Guest Blogger: Vicky
Pictured l-r: Blogette and Blogger
It was one of those nights when I had not planned for a healthy nutritious dinner, like I usually do. (Snort – laugh)
I satisfied the one need-to-feed-and-please customer at Mom’s Diner by making her a grilled cheeseburger in the Rocket Grill (shameless self-promotion by Vicky, the Appliance Fairy-ed.) and a side of mac and cheese (pre-packaged by Country Crock, which she enthusiastically had picked out at the store a couple days earlier.)
Donnie, (never one to stray far from ANY action in the kitchen) watched me make my low-rent meal for my darling daughter. When I peeled the lid off of the mac and cheese, he observed that the inner peel-off “safety” lining was covered in the faux cheese. He asked, “Does that look right to you?” Now mind you, this is the man who will cut the mold off of a piece of bread and declare it, “Just fine!”
I dismissed his question and loaded the mac and cheese into the microwave, minding to undercook it just a smidge so my darling daughter’s lips would not be burned. I took it out of the microwave and set it on the counter.
I satisfied my (forbidden) longing for carbohydrates by picking at the mac and cheese while her cheeseburger cooked. She swung by the kitchen and stuffed loads of it into her mouth.
When the burger was done, I served her highness and she gobbled everything down. I listened to her gripe about the FCATS (Florida Standardized Testing that we all hate which puts our schools and our kids into a tizzy for two weeks per year - ed.), sent her to bed around 8:30, cleaned everything up and then went to bed myself by 10 PM.
At 11:30 I was awakened by a slamming door and the sounds of coughing and retching. Tay was in her bathroom, cleaning out her mouth. “I threw up,” she said. “In the sink?” I asked, hoping above hope. “No” she said in a quavering voice.
I walked into her bedroom and it was apparent that a 300 pound fully grown adult man had found his way in there and lost his lunch. I sighed, I mean really, what can you do? I bucked up and cleaned up the toxic waste dump in her room and then attended to her…stroking her and petting her, getting her into the shower, into clean jammies and getting the nasty-ass bedding into the washer. Then I got bed with her and rubbed her back.
An hour and a half later, repeat performance. However, I had wisely placed a large pot (likely used for boiling pasta in normal households - note to self, next time we are invited to Vicky's for dinner, if pasta is being served, we're busy - ed.) at the edge of the bed and she gamely had made her deposit. Clean hair? Not so lucky. Back into the shower, back over the sink cleaning unmentionable things out of her expander. Pot downstairs (ooh, now there's an interesting way to deal with all this chaos....oh, she's talking about the METAL pot! - ed) and outside and sprayed with a hurricane force spray by the hose. Wipe it out, wash self off. Back upstairs.
This happened twice more. At 2 AM and then at 4 AM.
In addition to all of the previous night’s fun, in the morning I was struck with Montezuma’s Revenge. So, I made all of the necessary calls, stayed at home with her, plied her with bottled water and Lemon Italian Ice to keep her hydrated.
This afternoon, I called Donnie to see when he was coming home and described my all day nausea and Taylor’s general malaise. “Well,” he said, “I told you that mac and cheese looked funny.”
I stood still, shocked, realizing. He is right. I knowingly POISONED my daughter with jungle rot, food poisoning, bad dairy, open container…and was nonchalant about it.
As I write this, Taylor and I both still have fevers and are refusing food. (good for me, bad for her)
I know it is early in the year, but are bonus BMOTY points available?
Editor's note:
Unfortunately, Vicky will not be eligible for BMOTY (Bad Mother of the Year) points for this example since it turned out that not only did 8 other children in Taylor's class come down with the same thing, Food Quality Inspector Donnie succumbed as well. So Vicky was vindicated in her choice to serve the questionable mac and cheese. I personally think that mac and cheese is impervious to bacteria, spoilage, biodegrading and direct contact with radioactivity.
And, as Vicky continues to dwindle to a shadow of her former self in anticipation of her upcoming nuptials (and associated pre-wedding camping trip...a topic for another blog, I'm sure) she might have been, to quote Emily in The Devil Wears Prada, "just one stomach flu away from [her] goal weight!"
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