The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

In my experience with other parents at public schools, there are several types of parents:

1. The "My kid's teacher is an idiot" parents.
2. The, "I want to volunteer so I can be on top of my kid's classroom" parents.
3. The rest of us...just doing the best we can as parents, supporting the teachers unconditionally, respecting their expertise, recognizing that they are human and helping out at school just because we want to, our kids get a kick out of it or we are hoping to meet some new friends amongs the other parents.

From what I have seen, the third group far outweighs the first two...but the former are noisier and are the ones who make teachers and administrators feel adversarial toward parents and make sure everyone knows that "their" kid is the most special, the most innocent of wrong-doing, the most needful of special treatment, etc.

Occasionally every child is going to be blessed with a teacher who transcends his/her role as an educator and becomes a part of who your child is, part of your child's soul. And it's not the same teacher for everyone, the one about whom you breathe a sigh of relief that your child didn't get might be the one who could have been that teacher for your child. In my case, that teacher was Ms. Kobryn, whose name has been mentioned before in my blog and with whom I kept in contact until her death just a couple of years ago. I would not be surprised if in my son's case that teacher is Ms. Root (third from left, looking slightly smaller than the two fifth graders next to whom she is standing).

I think just about everyone has heard the quote (paraphrased) from Garrison Keillor, "Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where...all the children are above average." That's kind of like Boca. Everyone's child is "gifted" and if they don't test as such by the school, then you can go get your own professional testing that will ensure that your child gets into the "gifted" program whether he/she belongs there or not. On Open House night, Ms. Root encouraged parents to let their children experience challenge and failure...now, in 5th grade, when it's safe and they are in her class and she can help them learn to deal with it. That's tough to swallow for parents who are accustomed to straight A's every report card. (I really am going to get to the Book Review soon.) During the Open House, Ms. Root recommended the book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee by Dr. Wendy Mogel. As I looked around, I saw parents born and bred in the era of writing down and doing homework, furiously scribbling the name of the book and its author. So I thought, wouldn't it be cool to put together a little book group of parents to read and discuss this book? I found support amongst the parents with over a dozen out of a class of 24, saying that they wanted to participate and Ms. Root enthusiastically agreeing to join in.

Once I got the book, I stuck it in my purse (books and waiting rooms are the reason that my purse must be so big) and read it in fits and starts over a couple of months. Invariably, I would read a chapter at just the perfect time for it to fit whatever parenting issue with which I was struggling at that moment. (Although my darling children will aver that they are perfection personified, they do occasionally slack off just to keep me on my toes as a Mom.)

This book is today's answer to parenting as we collectively experienced it growing up. (I say that for those of my generation who grew up in the 60's and 70's...with the obvious exception of anyone who grew up in an abusive environment.) But most of my generation lament that our children don't have the freedom we had, the structure we had and the respect we had for adults. As parents we faced a barrage of New Age-y parenting books that encouraged us to focus on the child's self-esteem, avoid using the word "no", make every moment into a learning experience and be sure our kids knew how to read by the end of (if not before entering) Kindergarten.

The Blessing of a Skinned Knee (subtitled, Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children) is pure common sense parenting, with a grounding in faith and the tenets of Judaism. But trust me (I am not Jewish, although my husband is and we celebrate both Jewish and Christian holidays), do not rule out reading this if you are not Jewish. There is nothing in there that would offend a Christian's sensibilities or undermine one's belief in Jesus. Remember, we all share the Old Testament!

As opposed to being a "parenting" book, I would call this a "family" book. It is in no way didactic, recognizing that we live in a busy world with many more distractions than our forefathers/mothers. Major emphasis areas are:

1. Discovering your unique and ordinary child. (Can our kids be ordinary and still be wonderful? Of course.)

2. Honoring Mother and Father (Whose house couldn't do with a dose of THAT!)

3. Avoiding overprotection (Imagine if your parents somehow protected you from doing that incredibly stupid thing you did that you really learned from and remember to this day.)

4. Teaching your child an attitude of gratitude (As opposed to an attitude of entitlement, a la, "I NEED that new Wii system!")

5. Chores (I understand that kids in my son's class are talking about the fact that they wish his Mom hadn't put this group together because now they are being asked to do chores...I consider this a success!)

6. Food and meals

This past Thursday night, seven of us joined up at Border's (whose hospitality we greatly appreciate!) to discuss the book. Not bad for an initial response of a dozen, which actually grew to about 20 when we began talking about the book and inviting parents from other grades and other classes, and the fact that it was a rainy day the day before Hanukkah started! Represented at our discussion (with obvious overlap) were:

1. 2 single moms

2. 3 moms who don't work (outside the home, I add only as a qualifier for those who need it...I don't...I proudly say, "I don't work" because I have worked outside the home while having two children and there really is no comparison...for me.)

3. 4 moms who work full time (see above)

4. 2 moms who have twins

5. 1 mom with 1 child, 3 moms with 2 children and 3 moms with 3 children.

6. No dads (what does THAT tell you? Not sure, but I think a few dads would have added greatly to the discussion).

The discussion was animated and open. The teacher, whose participation we looked to as our source of expertise, shared not only her classroom experience, but her own parenting concerns. We were candid with one mom proudly declaring one of her kids "a geek", another admitting her overwhelming "mother guilt" and the rest of us alternately rolling our eyes and beaming with pride as we discussed our children's faults, foibles and fortes.

I strongly recommend this book with no qualifications whatsoever. It would make a great reading group book if your reading group is comprised of parents of school age children or a great way to bring together a group of parents from your classroom or your school. My biggest complaint about this book is that I didn't read it sooner!

Di

Comments

[Vicky]

And there should have been 8 attendees. I am so sorry that I had to miss the first meeting. Discussing the joys and struggles of parenting with other parents (in this case it would have been only other moms) makes me realize that no one else got an instructional manual upon the birth of our children.

One thing that I can say is thank you for the inspired idea to e-mail all of the moms with the Book Club and Skinned Knee suggestion several months ago. That fateful e-mail lead me to read a wonderful book that I probably would not have picked up otherwise. It also led me to be invited to the Caffeine Club at Starbucks where I can semi-regularly spend 30 minutes in the company of several smart, funny women as well as an NBF.

[mcewen]

I used to fall in the last category, especially since I'm an expat just finding my way. However, now that I have four children and two of them are autistic I find that I fall into category 2 as those teachers and aides need all the help they can get, even if it's only from an amateur. So would you consider adding a sub-group to your list so that I can pretend that I'm mainstream [if foreign and alien]
Best wishes and compliments of the season to you and yours.

[booklogged]

Wonderful review, Di. Sounds like a book I really need to read.

[Gattina]

Very interesting what you wrote. I have always to laugh about the parents who have "perfect" children ! If they would know ! and the mothers who always say "my daughter tells me everything" what a joke ! I got very well along with all teachers our son had although he was more than bad at school. Most of them were really very nice. Not every child can be a genious at school, it all depends. Our son as bas as he was at school as good he is in his job today and I can tell you that's something !